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August 12, 2004
Dear Friends,
It has been one year since we lost Christopher. On the anniversary of his passing, I wanted to get back in touch with all of you to remember Christopher and to let you know how the past year has been for us.
Dear Friends,
It has been one year since we lost Christopher. On the anniversary of his passing, I wanted to get back in touch with all of you to remember Christopher and to let you know how the past year has been for us.
In my mind, Christopher seemed like a miracle. Despite all the challenges he had to face in the course of his too-short life, he never complained or even mentioned that anything was hard. It was simply his life and he chose to live it fully in every moment. He was thankful for every day and he lived with such a passion for his life and everything – and everyone – in it. He was such a bright light in our lives. In Russian, we have an expression that he was like a candle: he gave us so much light and warmth, so much comfort. Unfortunately, his candle burned out too fast. But once a light like that is shined on someone, you never forget what it feels like.
Christopher continues to inspire us. He was truly a wonderful father, a loving husband and my closest friend. His values and views of the world are not lost on us; we continue to think of him every day. He will always be in our lives in our hearts and thoughts. He was our love and our miracle.
Needless to say, it has been a very hard year for us without him. We miss him so much.
Each of us has had to adapt both in our practical lives and in our philosophy and outlook on the world in order to try to make sense of a tragedy that won’t ever really make sense to any of us.
Shawna, 6 now, is trying to make sense of Christopher’s absence. She talks about her daddy every day, and how much she misses him. She misses going on an airplane, “to anywhere.” She wishes she had a magic wand that could bring daddy back. She likes drawing pictures with daddies in them. She’s suffering, but she is also trying to make sense of what happened by imagining situations that can console her or help her understand. One day she told me, “I’m not afraid to die. When I die, I’ll be with my daddy.” She’s creating her own answers when there aren’t any.
The first half of the year was very hard for Shawna. She was irritable, nervous and noticeably off-balance. She had a hard time at the beginning of the school year in her Kindergarten class where she talked about daddy every day. But later in the year, she found a friend, another new girl in the school, and they’ve become quite close. And Shawna is feeling more relaxed now. She’s taking ballet lessons and swimming lessons over the summer. And she loves to go to the beach where Sasha is coaching her on how to boogie board.
Shawna also loves the tide pools at the beach. She hikes around the rocks and identifies so many different kinds of animals. Anemones are her favorites. Shawna has a strong sense of who she is and how she fits into our family. Thank goodness I have one child who loves to keep things neat and orderly! She is wonderful with Solan, too. Every morning, the two of them love to pretend that they are dogs and crawl around the house barking at each other.
Sasha, now 10 _, has developed her own philosophy. She thinks that the world is like a computer game, that when you excel enough in everything you pass something like the life test and are able to move on to the next level, which is a higher/better level. Christopher always told her that to be good in life, you have to do certain things to help people and make the world a better place. So, in Sasha’s mind it follows that her father was so kind, generous, and good that he was able to pass the test early, and now he’s on the next level. Sasha thinks it’s not so much that Christopher is absent, but that his spirit is on a different level of the program now.
Sasha has had a tough time adjusting to life in Irvine. She loved her school in Ukraine and the diversity of kids there, and she really misses traveling. The kids here are quite different, although slowly she, too, is making friends. A couple of weeks ago, she went to her best friend’s birthday party: a slumber party for 8 girls at the Queen Mary in Long Beach. As the year went by, Sasha became quite known among her classmates for her patience, kindness and compassion. In fact, at the end of the school year, her class elected her to be their one representative at the Principal Party.
Sasha is an avid and voracious reader. She loves fantasy and science fiction writing, and the Harry Potter books are some of her favorites (she\'s read each of the books countless times). She also enjoys reading poetry. She’s a talented writer (at the end of this message is a poem she wrote) and a gifted artist.
Although she doesn\'t speak French (yet), Sasha very much wants to learn. She loves France -- or the small bits she\'s seen of it and heard about it. She is determined to go study and live there when she\'s older.
At school, Sasha has been learning violin and she gave several concerts last year. She also participated in an after-school dramatic arts program and she played Maria in their production of “The Sound of Music.” This summer, she’s been taking swimming lessons, art lessons, tap dancing class. And both she and Shawna have been going to a grief support group for children who have lost a parent.
Solan, 2 _ now, is the bright light of our family, the center of our family universe now. We’re all so lucky to have him around. He’s joyful, loving, extremely good-natured and very talkative for his age. His sisters adore him. He holds us together and makes us smile. His favorite song is Enya’s “Sail Away.” He likes to sing along when I put the CD on in the car. He loves to read with anyone who is available to read with him. He loves animals, particularly cats, and trucks, lots of trucks. He is afraid of crocodiles and dragons, both of which he sometimes thinks are hiding in the cliffs and rocks behind the beach. When I am busy working around the house, Solan often comes to find me and says, “Mama, I will help you,” and tries to help. And for reasons none of the rest of us can understand, he loves to go to the dentist.
Solan knows his daddy from the pictures all over our house and on our computer’s screensaver. He loves to play with balls and he has Christopher’s rugby ball which he refers to as, “my daddy’s ball.” He says, “I want to play ball with daddy.” He points at pictures of Christopher, Shawna and Sasha taken before he was born and asks, “Where is Solan?” He also asks, “When will daddy come home?” One day, after he saw another father in the neighborhood driving home in a car, he got it into his mind that his own daddy was going to drive to our house in a car and he went and stood on the fence and just waited there for a long time. “I’m looking for daddy in a car,” he told me. At the same time, when he meets new people he tells them, “my daddy died,\" although he doesn’t really understand what that means.
And as for me, it has been a hard year. In the first few months after Christopher died, I felt sort of lost. He was such a dynamic and decisive person. And it took me a while to really understand that he was gone: there was no more support – emotional or physical. No one else to rely on, no balance.
With the passing months, I came to realize that I had to rely on myself, and that’s all. In a way that I realize only in retrospect, I found myself, or a self I didn’t realize had even existed inside me until I needed it to come out. I had to become the pivotal point in my own family, for my children, that’s all. I had to take responsibility in a way that I’ve never had to before. I’m the only one my children have now – so if I’m not doing something for them, who will do it?
Having the children around has helped quite a lot. Although it’s physically quite demanding to take care of all of them alone 24 hours a day, emotionally they have given me some semblance of balance, or at least a good focus, in my life during this crazy and difficult year.
Sometimes I forget that Christopher is gone and I think, “I have to remember to tell him this.” And then I remember. It’s still quite sad.
Honestly, the hardest time of the day for me is after they go to sleep when I’m alone and all the memories flood me. If I think too hard or remember too much, I end up crying myself to sleep. I still get quite emotional. There are so many pictures in my head, like a slide show of my life. Sometimes late at night I start to wonder why this happened to Christopher and us. But you can’t ask those questions for too long – it’s useless because there are no absolute answers and there never will be.
On a more positive note, my friends tell me that my English has definitely improved this year. I read books in English, including some novels. Right now, Dan Brown is one of my favorite authors. I\'ve been surprised at how easy and natural it has been for me to pick up English.
Perhaps even more importantly, for the first time in my life, I learned how to drive a car this year. I’ve been driving for six months, and it’s wonderful. I’m completely comfortable driving (although the geography in Los Angeles itself is still a little confusing at times) and I feel like I was born behind the wheel of a car. I can’t imagine never having been able to drive. Being able to drive has given us all so much more freedom and independence. And we’ve been able to go so many more places, like the San Diego Zoo, the Wild Animal Park, the beach, the Discovery Museum.
At home, we’ve started a garden. We already picked pumpkins, and we’re waiting for the tomatoes to ripen. We’ve also planted grapes. We’ll give you advance notice about any wine production we might undertake (just kidding). All the children have been helping me with the garden. Sasha is helping clear the dirt of old weeds so that we can put in new plants. And Solan likes to put on gardening gloves, pick up a shovel, and help dig in front yard.
This year has also been very rich for me in gaining new friends. I’ve met a lot of new people and they have made a big difference in my life this year.
I’d like to particularly thank the following people for their continued love and support:
• Jim Cashel for EVERYTHING you’ve done for us, both this year and last. We all spent a wonderful New Year’s your family. You helped us to set up the website with e-mails, pictures, and you are such an amazing friend.
• My mother-in-law Joanne Kedzie. You have been so wonderfully supportive and helpful to the children and to me, particularly when we have needed it most. I really can’t imagine life in California without your guidance, your steady support, and love. Your warmth and hospitality, patience and generosity towards us even at times that were hard for you as well as us, have meant so incredibly much to all of us. We love you, Mom. You are a wonderful mother and Nana.
• Jeanine and Tony Avaloss. I’m grateful to have you as part of my family.
• Sue Hendrickson and Amy Ryan. You helped to settle Christopher’s probate in Colorado. A huge thanks for helping us sort out all these legal issues. Without you help, I would still be stuck.
• The Ford Foundation for filing our 2002 income taxes.
• Iulia and Wes Cole for coming to visit and help with the house, our computer, the kids, and all your support. You are wonderful friends.
• Adriana and Adrian Petrisor for all your wonderful help and hospitality. For driving me around when I didn’t have a car, for hosting us in your house for days when we needed a place to go and be with people, for taking extra care with the children and taking them out to movies, and for helping to fix my car.
• To everyone who donated to the Children’s Education Fund – a HUGE thank you to all of you.
• To all the friends who gave us Christmas presents this year. During the holidays, the kids and I felt like we weren’t forgotten. We really appreciate your generosity and your thinking of us.
• The new friends I made this year. Susan Lindheim, who is a beautiful writer and who helped me to write this letter. Susan is Solan’s favorite girlfriend at the moment. (Too bad he’s only 30 years too young). And to Alexandra Isaievych Mason, our resident artist, who helped with a little translation and a lot of support and kindness.
• Susan Stroud. You kept in touch this year and helped to build our library.
• Ernie Chung. You are an understanding friend. Thanks for your wise counsel and all your help. I’m glad to have known you for a long time.
• Alexi and Gigi Panehal for always understanding and being so quick to offer your generous help when we needed it most.
• Dan Jones and your family who we’ve known since RAND, for all your generosity and kindness towards us.
So many others of you have been so incredibly generous to us this year and last year. I’m afraid to mention everyone by name for fear of forgetting someone important. But here are some of the names who pop into my mind: Dave Witzel, Claudia Williams, Chris Wolz, Mary Anne Hill, Yevgenia and Anton Lapuhen, Jonathan Ross, Brian and Dawn Conklin, the Moscow office of the Ford Foundation, people from USAID’s Ukrainian office, Ann and Jonathan Tarr, Nick Deychakiwsky, Bill Hogan, Oxana Viers and her family, and all the rest of you who helped. A HUGE thanks. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
At the end of this message is a poem that Sasha wrote about remembering her father. Also, Jim has helped me post some new photos on the website from this year and last.
Here is our current contact information.
Ira, Sasha, Shawna and Solan Kedzie
18781 Paseo Picasso
Irvine, CA 92603
949-856-2814 (home)
714-875-3302 (cell)
e-mail: ivkedzie@earthlink.net
Please, please stay in touch with us! Know that we are thinking about you and we would love to hear from you to hear how you are doing, or even just “hello.”
With all our love,
Ira, Sasha, Shawna and Solan
Me and my Past
By Sasha Kedzie
(remembering)
I looked through my window
remembering my past.
It reminded me of a desert – wide and vast.
It showed no mercy
On people going past
either first, or last.
(when Daddy died)
So it came – the desert wide and vast.
It was something I had to conquer
until my last.
I struggled to remember
joy – at last.
(remembering)
Those times are memories,
things from the past
that I will remember
til my last.